loudbuzz sounding off

My youngest son knows just how to get under my oldest son’s skin.

A lot of times, my oldest boy will get frustrated, and say something unkind to my youngest son…like “brat” or “butthead” or “little baby.”

Then my youngest will turn around and say to him: “I know you are, but who am I?”

This week I spoke to a marriage counselor by myself (you might as well call it individual or personal counseling then, since I have heard that it isn’t “marriage counseling” if you don’t both go) about things going on in my life, the structure and fabric and flow of my life, and how I was interpreting things, and if I was effectively responding to things…

and the one thing she suggested to me, was that I use the word “I” more and the word “You” less.

When I use the word “You ” I get upset… because it is you I am focusing on for my happiness. I am emotionally fused to “you.” I am immediately placing the guilt on you for what I am currently feeling and going through. Like, what you did or didn’t do affects who and how I am.

When use the word “I”, I am differentiating myself. I am expressing myself and my dreams and my desires, and validating and soothing myself, rather than expecting my validation to come from anyone else. Rather than getting bitter or worried, because I depend too much on someone to give me what I need, or upset by someone that can’t or won’t give me what I want.

Sometimes the most loving thing you can say is “I know you are, but who am I?”

Because then - if I am not emotionally fused - I can love you, be close to you, and yet hold onto myself. If I don’t want to be around you, if I can’t even be close to you, because I feel myself being threatened, engulfed, or needing so much that validation and soothing, which I can’t find really find unless I am differentiated… then I am going to want to walk away. I am going to blame you… feel betrayed by you…

when I should be asking instead, “but who am I?”

Sorry, I know that I haven’t been writing much lately…

But, so much has been happening to me…

and a lot of it I just can’t discuss with anyone.

It is just for me.

But yesterday, I read something that made me smile…
it was a conversation I had with anu once, a few months ago.

And she gave me permission to read it to you…

me: I don’t want to drive people crazy
me: I don’t want to drive them away from me
anu: Steve we don’t drive people crazy. Sometimes they need to experience it on their own and learn and grow.
me: but, I get too “needy,” too possessive sometimes, too ready to be a part of someone’s life and feel as they do…that I look like a complete fool…and it makes me sad…but that is who I am unless I learn and grow too.
anu: it is difficult to keep unexpressed feelings in heart becoz it may hurt another, Steve
me: a passionate heart is a foolish one, honey
anu: I would not be able to do that
anu: no it is not foolish it is just passionate
anu: no heart is foolish; all hearts are just hearts
anu: filled with love n lust and passion
anu: and compassion
me: I need to learn to give people space in my passion though
me: when I want to hold them instead.
anu: but wont you want to just feel your feelings and hold them instead
anu: instead of fighting it
me: yes…and suffer…painful feelings…
me: I have a question…
me: Does pain really make us crazy? Or, does pain mean we are not crazy? Won’t not feeling anything at all be crazy?
anu: of course we will feel it all pain, estacy, agony everything. But to me crazy means someone who does not follow the man-made rules
anu: but rather takes a chance and makes his own rules
me: Ahhh!!!! I like that very much!
anu: looks into himself and finds out what he / she wants
anu: and after having understood his own self, tries to reach out without feeling shame, or without needing approval or attention
anu: extends his hand boldly to another (be it a person / a goal / a mission whatever)
anu: he knows that he is not the children of the lesser god…he has the same divinity and grace in him as all the gods and jesuses of the world

I call it Minotaur.

It has taken my life until now.

Consumed me in utter fear.

I can’t expect anyone else to save me…

As it is, they all flee away…

leaving me to deal with Minotaur on my own.

I want to be free.

I have to do this…

For me, like for the goddess Ariadne

(in whose womb, I enter the labyrinth),

Theseus will not be my final destination, by any means.

Hopefully, I will sail a vessel

that drops me off, ultimately, to Dionysos.

I love this line:

I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower…

Blue is eros.

a poem by Pablo Neruda (one of the greatest poets that has ever lived):

Your Laugher

Take bread away from me, if you wish,
take air away, but
do not take from me your laughter. Do not take away the rose,
the lance flower that you pluck,
the water that suddenly
bursts forth in joy,
the sudden wave
of silver born in you.

My struggle is harsh and I come back
with eyes tired
at times from having seen
the unchanging earth,
but when your laughter enters
it rises to the sky seeking me
and it opens for me all
the doors of life.

My love, in the darkest
hour your laughter
opens, and if suddenly
you see my blood staining
the stones of the street,
laugh, because your laughter
will be for my hands
like a fresh sword.

Next to the sea in the autumn,
your laughter must raise
its foamy cascade,
and in the spring, love,
I want your laughter like
the flower I was waiting for,
the blue flower, the rose
of my echoing country.

Laugh at the night,
at the day, at the moon,
laugh at the twisted
streets of the island,
laugh at this clumsy
boy who loves you,
but when I open
my eyes and close them,
when my steps go,
when my steps return,
deny me bread, air,
light, spring,
but never your laughter
for I would die.