loudbuzz sounding off

After Great Pain

-by Emily Dickinson, 1862

After great pain, a formal feeling comes–
The Nerves sit ceremonious, like Tombs–
The stiff Heart questions was it He, that bore,
And Yesterday, or Centuries before?

The Feet, mechanical, go round–
Of Ground, or Air, or Ought–
A Wooden way
Regardless grown,
A Quartz contentment, like a stone–

This is the Hour of Lead–
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons recollect the Snow–
First - Chill - then Stupor - then the letting go–

“There is no need to investigate the unconscious past in you except as it manifests at this moment as a thought, an emotion, a desire, a reaction, or an external event that happens to you.  Whatever you need to know about the unconscious past in you, the challenges of the present will bring it out.  If you delve into the past, it will become a bottomless pit:  There is always more.  You may think that you need more time to understand the past or become free of it, in other words, that the future will eventually free you of the past.  This is a delusion.  Only the present can free you of the past.  More time cannot free you of time.  Access the power of Now.  That is the key.”

- pg. 90, “The Power of Now,” by Eckhart Tolle

I remember a time in my life…
when I was never happy.
When I thought that God was,
and would never be, truly happy with me.
It seemed the holier I tried to be,
the less holiness I saw in me.
I needed to be saved;
because I just could not do it myself.
Likewise, the deeper I confront things in my sub-conscious,
or the things in the past that have happened…
the more murkier everything today becomes.
It is like I am in a quagmire.
Slipping, until I have fallen.
Sticking, instead of climbing.
How can I ever get out of such a pit?

Can I throw my own rope?

Perspective.

According to dictionary.com,

it is “the faculty of seeing all the relevant data in a meaningful relationship”.

Interesting.

P.S.,Captainwow has an interesting post that she made about “discernment” that I like too…

I am trying to understand, philosophically, “jouissance” better…
that is, “en-joy-ment.”And to compare Lacan’s account of jouissance
“up against” my favorite philosopher’s account, Gilles Deleuze.

I am getting “somewhere” with it.

Yes, I am still actively seeking where (not what) I want to become.
No…never settle for where you were yesterday.

Everything goes well with enjoyment,
even those things not yet understood.

Don’t let anyone kill you where you become.

the craziness…
spinning out of control…
makes me so frustrated.
Why do others have the power to do that to me?
Why do I let them have that power over me?
Why am I beset with anger, and feelings of frustration?
Why am I getting crazy like my mom and dad?
Paranoid, like my mom…
Schizo, like my dad.
If I flee, is that a sign that I am too enmeshed?
If I fight, is that a sign that I am becoming just like what I hate?
How do I live, with myself?
How do I find some control,
by letting go of control,
and by letting go of worry, and anger?
I need to enjoy…
whether or not I ever understand.

Why do we feel shame for someone else’s guilt?
Why do we feel guilt for someone else’s shame?
Why is that so important to people?

Empathy?

No…Manipulation.

I am just getting back from a 5 day job that I had near Sacramento….

(Actually, I am writing this from the Minneapolis airport…
Good thing that I bought a WorldClub account from NWA…LOL!! “Free” wireless!)

Anyway, long hours worked on this job…16 hours a day…

I didn’t get much sleep either…

but it was a success…

So I am happy about that!

When I get home, my youngest boy is going for an MRI…

he has to lay still for an entire hour!

He has scoliosis…which is a curvature of the spine…

Usually, girls get that… but my eight year old boy has it…

one side of his back is raised higher than the other side…

and eventually the hips could shift too…

We can tell he falls down a lot when playing hockey.

As he grows, it will get worse and worse,

unless we do something about it right now!!!

So, the specialist is says that he needs to wear a brace at night…

every night…for the next 8 years!

And he needs to get fitted for a brace

so that if he is in it, and they were to take an x-ray,

the x-ray would show that his spine was straight.

But right now, his spine is curved 30 degrees!

I feel so bad for my little man…

but is it just something we have to do…

so that he can grow taller,

and not more curved than he is.

I mean, he will never have a straight back…

but at least we can hopefully stop the degeneration!

But it is a very slow process….

and I am not sure how he will be able to handle all of this…

I love him so much!!!

All I know is that I have to handle it the right way myself.